What Is It Called?

Too many feelings. Too many thoughts. At least that's what my brain tells me, but perhaps only because I don't have the vocabulary to express them all. Or maybe I do, and I'm just too afraid to. I took some time off from writing here, and if someone were to ask me why, I would say, "I wanted to get a good grip on grad school before I started back writing," but that would be a lie.

The truth: I sacrificed myself.

I sacrificed my truth and my writing because I was afraid to hurt someone's feelings. I have so many things to say, so many feelings, but I was afraid that writing them here would cause more harm than catharsis. More stress than it's worth. So, I've sat with myself and my own thoughts for nearly a month. Within that month, I've rarely expressed my true inner thoughts, and the one time I did... let's just say it didn't go well. So, I've returned, but the truth is that fear is so deeply ingrained in my system that as I write this, I can feel my anxiety growing.

What is it called when you're so afraid to speak your truth that you let it fester inside you? Let it eat away at you? Let it control you?

What is it called when you broadcast bits and pieces of your life for people who have no loyalty to you?

What is it called when you place bids for connection, they’re ignored, but you try again anyway?

What is it called when you feel this deep-rooted need for connection with like-minded people, but you're too scared to seek it?

What is it called when you crave the love of an older sister, but you grew up alone?

What is it called when you miss a version of yourself that you've outgrown?

What is it called when you work hard and accomplish things, but it still feels like it's not good enough?

What is it called when you feel lonely, not because you're alone, but because it feels like you don't have anyone to truly talk to? When even if you talk to someone, you still feel the need to filter yourself?

What is it called when, objectively, your life is good, but you still feel like something is missing?

What is it called when you can't stop thinking about a moment you shared with someone, but slowly realize that it probably meant nothing to them?

What is it called when you have a deep desire to be known, but no patience to explain?

What is it called when you yearn for something you can't have?

What is it called when you condition yourself to accept that fairy tales aren't real despite (briefly) living in one?

What is it called when you miss the friends who hurt you?

Someone might say that everything has a name. That if it exists, it must, after all, be the primary way of identifying. Feelings don't really need names to be felt, but what is it called when your brain needs to name it? To categorize it. To rationalize it. I don't know. But here's what I do know: I want to live. Truly live. I want to have a future. So, for now at least, that's my guiding principle. My lighthouse in the fog. My only redemption.

Samira <3