The Dreams I Wish I Never Had

"Get your head out of the clouds." I heard that so much growing up. Growing up it felt like I was never allowed to dream, and whenever I did it anyways ... it backfired. I wanted to be a pop star - I was told to stop singing. So, I did. As much as I loved it. I stopped singing. I wanted to be a photographer. I was told that I'd always be poor. So, I gave up on that too. I wanted to be a YouTuber - a singing channel ironically. I wasn't allowed. I think eventually I gave up on dreaming and just started being realistic.

My biggest dream growing up: being on So You Think You Can Dance. I watched religiously and tried to learn from them. I was told to sit down. I was being too loud for the neighbors. So, I learned to contain my passion. My dream. Eventually I stopped watching the show, and I just conformed and did what I was told. I was passionate about the things I thought I should be.

When I did eventually start dancing, my mom complained about it because I needed $15 for costumes and she "never had to pay for band." Ironically - I had grown to hate band more than I hated myself at the time. I loved dance. Every part of it. The beauty, the stretching, the strength. I worked hard. Everyday. Yet when the time came around to perform - I was told I needed to work harder. And I did. I would practice what I learned at home every single day. Then I had my first audition. I didn't get in - for good reason. And as strong as I tried to be, my heart was broken. But I didn't give up. In college I kept dancing, and I met someone who inspired me. She danced semi-professionally. And that was the first moment when I thought if I know someone who can do it - maybe I can to. This was the first time I allowed myself to dream again.

But, of course, I then I thought about the reality of it. She's been dancing for over a decade. Me only 4 years at this point. And classical training for only 3 of those. There's so much I don't know. I thought of all those times I was told that I was good, but ...

So, I held myself back and focused on the path I set for myself: academia and mental health. Only to beg the question 4 years later, weeks away from graduation: did I make the right choice?

When I think about every dream I've had. Regardless of how small - I think of all the times I stopped myself from chasing it. Because that little voice in my head told me to pick a path of stability. A path with no room for creativity. Now here I find myself, with a degree I don't use. A grad program I'm paying for. A life I don't know how to feel about. And a tiny kernel of a dream: to be an author. To sell 1 copy of a book that I started all the way back in high school before I gave up on dreaming altogether.

I am closer today to that dream than ever, and yet I feel stuck. I know everything I need to do in order to get there, starting with finishing the book, but I feel stuck. I can't help but wonder if this is self-sabotage or simply my body's natural response to dreams. To my dreams. I thought that asking for help would push me in the right direction, but that made it worse. Every day I learn that the only person who can truly help me - is Me.

I have to teach myself confidence. I have to teach myself that my dream is more than a dream - it's achievable. I have to teach myself to dream again because with no dream - I am no more than a machine.